EXT. WELCOME PARTY IN TROY
Eric: Hi dad, we're back from the peace talks with the Greeks, and look what Orlando found.
Diane Kruger smiles, shakes her hair and LOOKS BEAUTIFUL
Peter O'Toole (Trojan king): My god, you are the most beautiful woman in the world - let the greeks come and get her back - no-one has ever breached our walls, and the Gods will save us!
EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE AEGEAN SEA
Brian Cox (Greek king #2): Brendan Gleeson, my brother, look at our 1000 ships sail towards Troy - you will soon have your wife back and I can destroy Troy, 'cos we're got Brad Pitt (Achilles), and war is great, espcially when you win!
Token wide shot of 1000 GREEK SHIPS sailing towards TROY
Brendan Gleeson: Yes, war is great really - but isn't Brad a bit prone to looking moody and not doing as he's told?
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN GREECE
BRAD PITT is teaching his cousin to FIGHT, while HALF NAKED and using some form of MODERN FIGHTING technique.
Brad: I'm the greatest fighter in the world, but I don't like Brian Cox, so I'm not going to fight for him!
Sean Bean (Greek king #3): But Brad, come and fight - it's gonna be great, they'll be this big horse and everything, and everyone will remeber your name if when you win.
Brad: I'm the greatest fighter in the world, and having the world remember my name 3200 years in the future sounds great - let's go!
EXT. SHORES OF TROY
Brad: Come men, while we may be about a mile ahead of the rest of the fleet, we can take this beach by ourselves, cos I'm the greatest -
Brad's solders: - Yeah Brad we know, fighter in the world
.
Brad: Anyway, let's take the beach!
BRAD and 50 MEN take the BEACH from about 1000 Trojan soldiers SINGLE HANDED. The rest of the army land and TIDY UP stragglers.
Night Falls. Lots of funeral pyres are lit. A HISTORICAL REFERENCE is made by placing a COIN on each eye of all the DEAD.
Brian Cox (Greek king #2): Arn't we great! Come, greek kings, and pay homage to me, as I defeated all the Trojans! Let's finish them off tomorrow.
Brad: Hmmph! I beat them all - I'm going off to sulk!
EXT. IN FRONT OF THE WALLS OF TROY - DAY
Brian Cox (Greek king #2): Prepare to die Trojans - we've got Brad Pitt, so we can't loose!
A BIG BATTLE starts, however, Brad is off SULKING, so lots of Greeks DIE, including Brendan Gleeson
Brian Cox (Greek king #2): Damn you Peter O'Toole, you're killed my brother. I'm supposed to win all the fights!
Peter O'Toole (Trojan king): Perhaps, but you haven't got Brad, so we can beat you - now go away, the Gods are not smiling on you.
EXT. GREEK CAMP - DAWN
The TROJANS launch a SNEAK attack involving mediaveal WEAPONS.
Eric: Men, let's finish off those Greeks - Charge!
Brad Pitt's COUSIN laeds the Greek defence, DISGUISED as Bratt Pitt. He fights Eric Bana, and DIES. For some explicable reason, they all stop fighting and go back to their respective camps.
Brad: Damn you, Eric, you killed my cousin. I will now come after you and kill you.
Brad Pitt's cousin's funeral pyre is lit. A HISTORICAL REFERENCE is made by placing a COIN on each of his eyes.
EXT. OUSIDE THE GATES OF TROY
Brad: Eric, you killed my cousin. I'm really pissed now, and the greatest solder in the world - come out and let me kill you, then I will drag your body away
Eric: (to his wife, father and Orlando): Bye, bye, I'm going to let Brad Pitt kill me, even thought there's a few thousand Trojan archers pointing at him, and I have a wife and small baby.
Brad and Eric FIGHT. It is all very impressive, involving a fair amount of MODERN fighting techniques and SLOW MOTION. Unsurprisingly, Eric DIES, and Brad drags his body away.
INT. BRAD PITT'S TENT - NIGHT
Peter O'Toole shuffles in, disguised in a black SHEET.
Peter O'Toole: Brad, please let me have by son back. I know he killed your cousin, but I'm really noble for coming to meet you, and it's been at least 15 minutes since we last had a funeral.
Brad: Well, when you put it like that, you can have him back. After all, I'm only in this film to kill people in cools ways, and look good in a skirt..
Back in Troy, Eric Bana's funeral pyre is lit. Another HISTORICAL REFERNECE is....
EXT SHORES OF TROY - DAY
Sean Bean: All these funerals are starting to bore me, and we still haven't taken Troy yet - can we build the big horse yet?
Brian Cox: Alright, I'm a bit bored of the cod history aswell.
A 60 foot tall wooden horse is instantly constructed. 14 days later, and the Trojans turn up
Random Priest: Look, all the Greeks have died of plague, leaving a wooden horse. Well, it's obviously a gift to Posidon, seeing as he's a sea god, and loads of horses live in the sea.
Orlando: Wait a second - I've read this one, they've hidden all their best soldiers inside - We should burn down!
Peter O'Toole: Don't be silly Orlando - we should drag it 5 miles into Troy, and leave it in the middle of the city - the Gods will smile on us then.
The Trojans promptly drag the WOODEN HORSE into Troy, and have a big party. According to the script, at the dead of night the Greek soldiers, including Brad Pitt jump out and open the gates of Troy.
Peter O'Toole: Damn - I knew it was a bad idea having a walled city and only 10 sleeping guards on duty - Everyone run!
Orlando: See, I told you! - quick, everyone come down this secret passage, I'll go and kill Brad Pitt, 'cos I'm supposed to be the pretty boy in this film.
Diane Kruger smiles, shakes her hair and LOOKS BEAUTIFUL, in a sad please don't die
kind of way
Orlando: Oh, I'm bored with you now Diane, the blond thing has lost it's novelty
Orlando Bloom tracks down Brad Pitt, and using his best Leoglas ARCHERY skillz, shoots Brad Pitt in the HEEL
Brad: Owww.. you hit me in the Heel! I guess I must slowy die now, while saying goodbye to my Trojan girlfriend, 'cos love is more important than war
The entirity of Troy now burns to the GROUND, using up the last of the SPECIAL EFFECT budget.
EXT. TROY - CLOSING VOICEOVER
Sean Bean: And so, Troy burned to the ground, and everyone remebered Brad Pitt's name. <dramatic pause> Join me next week in the next installment of the exciting Blockbuster Greek MythsTM, where I, Odysseus, will have an Odyssesy!
FIN
That would be a terabyte now :)
Bob
Or not.
(Look, I can get my name in the right place!)
Now now children! ;-)